Panic

I have gone back and forth several times of whether I wanted to write about this or not, especially on this page, however, I feel now is the right time, if only to air it out in a way that is cathartic for me, but maybe can help someone else, should they notice the signs.

It was February of 2023, a normal day in the clinic. I showed up, about 2 minutes until I was expected to be on the floor with a patient. But suddenly, the schedule shifted and instead of being asked to aid with 1 patient, it was now 3 patients.

Now, this was not something I hadn’t dealt with before, in fact, I dealt with it many times, last minute schedule change, take a deep breath and get out there.

Only except this time, it was different.

Trying to have a conversation with a patient, I began to exasperate, tripping over my words. My mind was almost going blank, to the point of I was forgetting what we were even talking about.

Embarrassed, I would go to the bathroom to calm down, except again, I couldn’t. My heart rate would not come down, taking deep breaths made me feel lightheaded.

After this waved up and back down, I was good again.

That was weird. Maybe I was just dehydrated? Took a little too much caffeine that morning, didn’t get enough sleep.

But, it happened the next day.

And the next day.

And before I knew it, this happened anywhere between 4-6 times per week, sometimes twice in a day. For months.

Seemingly out of no where, I would get an intense rush of lightheadedness and numbness, almost like I was on the verge of fainting, swallowing felt like I was choking, my mouth would get so dry from all the heavy breathing. It was impossible for me to sit still, I developed a coping mechanism of always moving because when I stopped and thought about it, it would get worse.

Paired with this, I started to develop heart palpitations. What is wrong with me?

I am in good standing health wise, or so I thought.

Am I going insane?

Is this happening because I am in fear of it happening again, or is it happening in spite of that?

The months of February to April were a dark time for me. I was embarrassed to admit this to my family, embarrassed to admit this to my friends and athletes, I did not want people to think less of me, because in my eyes, I have several people counting on me and if I falter, they will, and I can’t have that.

But man, I just remember laying awake at night, trying to get myself to calm down and failing to do so, keeping me up at night which would bleed into the next day.

I became fairly agoraphobic, noticing that when I was around large groups of people I did not know, in unfamiliar surroundings, things would wave more intense.

Finally, the month of May came.

Considering now that I could not go more than 24 hours without having a spell of these attacks, I finally spoke up to my mom.

May 31st was the date, I had three of these attacks in one day and I asked my mom to please take me to urgent care.

They referred me out to the emergency room based on the symptoms I was having, in which I went the following morning.

June 1st was the day everything started to change.

Nothing to worry about here, this was a routine blood test, however, I took this photo to symbolize what the last few months leading up to it, ultimately manifested as and a reminder for the future of what it can turn into, if left unchecked.

EKGs, echos, blood tests, etc…

All came back completely normal.

So maybe I am going insane, there is nothing physiologically wrong with me. Was I just being a pansy about it? That has never been me, but maybe I don’t know myself as well as I think I do.

During this time I went into some serious reflection.

What were the common denominators over the last few months that drove me to feel this way, if I had to look back on it objectively.

• I was working 2 jobs and never giving myself a second to myself.

  • Every waking moment of my life at this time, was spent talking to someone, and for someone who is an introvert at nature, my social battery was running on empty with no chance of recharge for months.

  • The PT aide job I was working, simply put, was treating me unfairly and used my knowledge of working with athletes and general exercise science, to simply give me more workload, for no extra benefit. I had talks with my director about this, it did not get better.

• I was frustrated because simply recovering from a workout was becoming impossible.

  • Lifting has never been my sole identity, however, for a 20 week stretch, every movement felt so heavy, so foreign, and I would be in crippling soreness for virtually weeks on end.

• I felt like I was losing my joy for life in real time.

  • Although I certainly did my best to put on my happy face each day, certain things that I loved and provided joy, really were not providing me that same feeling.

  • At my roots, I am an optimistic but realistic person, being realistic started to become being pessimistic and my general disdain for things that were hopes of mine, became heavier and heavier.

  • Without getting into extreme detail, there was a falling out that me and my team had externally that really soured me on trusting outwardly towards people who I did not already have good standing with.

• I did not want others to know.

  • Feeling like I needed to constantly shield people from myself in this state, certainly did me no favors. However, it is just not in my nature to air out my mental state with the world, which is why this prompt took quite a bit for me to write.

• I felt like a failure.

  • People ask why I waited to go full time for my coaching services, and the truth of the matter is I did not have faith in myself and that I could sustain it.

  • Of course, I love what I do, but the harsh reality of life sets in faster and faster, the older you get. Student loans, being off my parents insurance and not having a company sponsored insurance, no retirement savings, etc… (disclaimer, all this stuff is taken care of now, however, I think being overwhelmed just made me timid to learn about all this stuff paired with pure lack of time to do so)

  • I had a very candid conversation with my mom in which I told her straight up, I felt like a burden for all this and reassurance from her, that I wasn’t, really opened my eyes a bit.

Then, I had a breakthough.

I met with my new doctor, and for the first time, I felt comfortable just saying everything that had been going on. He let me talk and provided astute observations and told me what I needed to hear, and that was the first time in my life, anyone other than a family member had done that for me.

“You have been running on empty and never gave yourself an opportunity to recharge.”

Sounds simple, but it was true.

I left my job at the clinic and didn’t look back, diving full force into my coaching and things took off more than I could have ever anticipated.

I had a breakthough meet at Northeast Regionals.

I was able to take two of my best friends in this lifetime to Nationals.

I saw 40+ people this year have their moments on the powerlifting platform, at least partially because of what I provided them.

Ever since that day in May, which blended into June, I think back on that version of myself.

2023 was the year that on the outside, things could not have gone better, but internally, I was as close to losing myself as one can get.

These days, I still get panic attacks, however, not nearly as often. It is rare I get one in a month now, instead of 4-6 per week.

I am careful with my rest and how much of myself I am giving to others. I notice the warning signs well before hand.

I am still weary about places foreign to me, however again, keeping as many variables as I can in my control, seems to help.

This is why I prepare so meticulously on the front end of things, the second something slips out of my control that I could have accounted for, it really bothers me.

So, I write this for a few reasons, but mainly because I want to recognize it formally. I am not weird, nor am I a failure, nor will I be looked down upon, or viewed as an attention-seeker.

I am who people close to me, say I am.

In 2024, I look forward to providing as much joy for others as I did in 2023, however, I plan on making sure I am being respectful of my own joy and own fulfillment along the way.

To those who read, thank you.

To Utopia,

Erik